Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Accepting Discipline from the Stepparent


Any tips on how to help discipline by the stepparent (father in this case) go smoother or be more accepted by the children? (9 year old son and 8 year old daughter.)

It may never be accepted by the children. Remember, the step-relationship is a “baby” relationship (brand new). So the emotional connections are just beginning to build. I do not know how long you have been married and what your expectations were re: discipline. In addition, the stepparent has no biological or legal connections to the stepchildren.

First, the step-relationships need time to build – just like a friendship. Many bio-parents are looking for someone to help with the discipline and structure. And…many stepparents think they are coming in with parenting rights. However, this doesn’t work. The older the children the less this will work. Younger children bond easier. Older children have had a history with their original family and that’s now broken. There can be resentment toward the stepparent as an interloper and also for taking love and time away from them that they believe they received before there was a stepparent.

More on Step-Discipline


I hear you say that the biological parent does the discipline. What if both sides are in the home and fighting (my kids and the stepkids)? Who does the discipline? What discipline do we give my child who does not live with us?

Yes – the bio-parent does the disciplining. You take yours aside and your spouse takes theirs. Hopefully you’ve established “house rules” so the children know what’s expected. If not, it’s past time to do so. At the same time, the consequences of breaking the house rules should be established. That gives children a choice to enjoy the benefits, or receive the consequences. That eliminates the urge to get angry when they disobey and either inflict a consequence on the spur of the moment or….be rendered incapable of coming up with something.

A child coming in and out of the home still needs structure. It can be difficult to administer discipline if the parent is holding on to guilt from the divorce, remarriage and custody arrangements that don’t allow for significant time with the child. Children want to know what’s expected of them and are much more secure when the parent creates appropriate boundaries and isn’t fearful of implementing them.

Don’t worry about “fair” or “equal” consequences. The punishment should fit the crime. Many times we’ve found when children are asked what they think the consequence should be, they come up with tougher stuff than the parents. You might try it some time. Do this when the “house rules” discussion takes place.

Living together with his kids


My fiancé has kids and has been previously married. I have no kids or ex-spouses. We also are living together before marriage so the odds are against us. What can we do to make this better?

Move out or get married with a commitment to seek remarriage and stepfamily counseling (workshops, books, and DVD’s can provide resource information also). Stepfamily education is crucial so you know what to expect with the particulars you are bringing to this remarriage. Also, finding a communication course will go a LONG way to giving you the skills to address the issues as they arise – and they WILL!

Moving out will give you both an opportunity to see things more clearly and determine an appropriate course of action – particularly getting the preparation needed to establish a successful stepfamily. Right now the everyday pressures of living are interfering with building a solid foundation for the future.

Stepparent blocked from Stepkid


How does a stepparent invest in their stepchild when the biological parent does everything in their power to keep them from doing so?
 
If the bio-parent is your spouse, this sounds like a serious marital problem and misunderstanding of how a stepfamily develops. If the bio-parent is your spouse’s ex, that may be more hopeful. If this is your spouse it could be helpful to have a conversation as to what the fear is if you do establish a relationship with the stepchild. If it’s your spouse’s ex, I would suggest a conversation between the two bio-parents so any fears (insecurities, jealousies, etc.) can be addressed and put to rest. Eventually you could initiate contact with the ex-spouse if you know it will be received.

Something else that might be helpful is counseling with someone who understands stepfamily dynamics. Otherwise, the wrong template will be laid on this situation and cause more trouble. Bottom line: your presence alone over time, can be your investment. Your attitudes and behaviors will definitely influence the stepchild. Your value will be “caught.”

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Me, the Ex, or the Kids?

Question:
How would you suggest eliminating or at least minimizing the effect that an ex-spouse has on the current relationship? I currently feel like I’m taking a back seat or am secondary to the original spouse. Will I ever be the priority?

 Answer:
This may sound strange, but I suggest establishing a relationship (casual) with your spouse’s ex. This may take place over time with several invitations to get together and graciously allow them to decline. It’s important for the other biological parent to hear from you that you are not in competition with them or intend to replace them in the kids’ lives.

As long as there are kids involved, the new spouse may be “secondary.” The kids were there first; pre-existing relationships. Our new spouse is the “new person” in this family and basically unknown to our children. It’s important for the kids to believe they are still important to you; not replaced by your new spouse and left behind.

Couples “in love” have a difficult time seeing past themselves and understanding how the kids are seeing the new marriage (even if they say they are for it). Take the time to hear your children out and give them a safe place to share what’s going on in their world.

Discipline in the Stepfamily


Question:
If the biological parent and the step parent have different parenting techniques how do you discipline the kids differently and still be fair especially when there is a shared kid (“ours”) between the two. How do you combine the styles or parent differently?

Answer:
 
This is one of the biggest issues stepcouples face. Too often they are critical of one another, even in front of the kids. One is too strict; the other too lenient. Remember, both parents have been parenting already. They have a style and the kids know their style. There may also be guilt over the divorce and because of custody arrangements, they may have minimal time with their kids and subsequently be more lenient than they normally would.
 
Because of the style differences – forget fair… for a while. Make sure the consequences fit the “crime.”Be consistent, follow through without threatening and remember you are the “adult.” In the meantime, educate yourself on good parenting skills and work on a common parenting style that can be implemented over time.

Stepfamily Inclusiveness


Question:
What do you see as the most important concept for step-families to address or incorporate to build strong family relationships?

Answer: 
Inclusivity - inclusion vs. exclusion! This has to be intentional. Step-relationship development is complicated and is being done with people you don’t know very well, love, or sometimes even like. It also will include personal responsibility regarding owning your own attitudes and behavior. It can be a wonderful place for personal growth and maturity. Lastly it will include educating yourself regarding the new stepfamily territory you are entering. Then you know what your new “normal” is and realize the obstacles you will encounter and a productive way to handle them. As one person said, “We are no longer surprised by the surprises!”

Conflict between Ex's


Question:
What are some advice/tips to softening the impact of a legal situation between biological parents in the kids’ environment? (High conflict between exes for example.)
 
Answer:
First of all, keep the kids out of the middle. They should not be used as messengers. To do that you must be willing to meet face to face with a coach or communication skills instructor to enhance your ability to communicate and resolve conflict. Another approach would be to meet with a mediator, pastor, or neutral party you both choose who could facilitate the conversation and move it toward resolution.

Lawyers don’t do this because they are adversarial by definition. Their job is to represent their client and get the best deal for them. What’s the reason resolution is important? For the children! Conflict between parents continues the chaos in their lives.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Are children in stepfamilies better off than in single-parent families?

Check out this video to see how Gordon & I answered that question.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeC7B5q_6j4

Stepparenting


Question:
My stepson expects to be treated differently than my son and our (mine and my husband’s) daughter. This behavior is apparent anytime I give instruction because he says I’m talking to my kids.

Answer:
The obvious is; he’s using his step-relationship against you. In essence he’s saying, “You’re not my Mom (parent),” and he’s right. It would be wise for his bio-Dad to do the disciplining until such time as your step-relationship with him grows. Or, his Dad delegates parenting power to you in certain situations.

Another factor is the age of the child. Depending on his age, he may never see you as a parent-figure. It is unrealistic for adults to think they have parenting rights when they are not biologically connected to the child. See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDlWZUSRyVs&feature=relmfu
What works & what doesn't. Learn the do's & don'ts of successful stepparenting

Friday, June 29, 2012

Workshop for Remarrying & Remarried Couples

Coming up in the Oklahoma City area: REMARRIAGE PREP
August 22 - October 3, 2012 (Wednesday - 7 Weeks)
Crossings Community Church
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Carri & Gordon speaking


"Remarriage: A Seminar for the Remarrying or Remarried Couple"
6:30 to 7:45 pm / Room to be announced
Crossings Community Church
14600 North Portland
Oklahoma City, OK 73134
405.755.2227
For Information & Registration: email Sheila at Sheila at scahlik@crossingsokc.org

Preparing and/or redesigning your relationship for success. Beat the odds and prevent re-divorce.

Few challenges in life are more difficult than bringing the pieces of broken families together. Past hurts, high hopes, pre-existing relationships, and different backgrounds can make this task incredibly tough.
This is a marriage where one or both bring one or more children of any age; whether or not they live with the married couple.

Knowing what to expect and what is “normal” for a stepfamily can reduce the pressure of unrealistic expectations. Understanding the territory and the skills required to negotiate the journey can facilitate the new family's development and promote lasting success.
Areas covered:
  • Psychological blind spots
  • The three top factors leading to re-divorce
  • Non-negotiables
  • Designing a relationship
  • Developing intimacy
  • Relationship development
  • Merging Finances and Possessions
  • Self and relationship identification through assessments
This workshop is for those with children in the following situations:
  • Single parents desiring to remarry in the future
  • Couples seriously dating
  • Engaged couples
  • Already remarried
  • Professionals working with the above population

Are second marriages more successful than first marriages?

Check out this video to see how Gordon & I answered that question.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOJKYaui6XA

Friday, June 15, 2012

Stepfamily weddings

Question:

My ex is planning a wedding. The wedding is planned during our visitation with my son. My ex has issues with control and manipulation. We are expected to allow my son time with the ex for the wedding. The ex knows that we feel it is important for my son to participate in this special day with his new family; however, we also feel that our visitation time with my son is important as well. We want to do what is best for my son without giving into the manipulation of the ex. How do we work out this situation in a healthy manner?

Answer:
Principle: What is the best for the child? Not knowing the age of the child and assuming you and your ex can talk peaceably about the situation, here are some thoughts. First of all, what does your son want to do? Again this is age appropriate. Next, how about taking your son to your ex's wedding? This doesn't mean you will attend, just deliver and pickup. That way you keep your son for the remainder of your visitation. This means you are going the "second mile." When this is your decision, you take ownership and are not being controlled or manipulated. You are simply honoring a special event in his other biological parent's life.

Regarding age appropriateness; older children deserve to have permission to make their own decision. This should be respected by both biological parents. In the end, it frees the child up to move into these tough situations at their own pace and more gracefully. This would also apply to the involvement or lack of in the ceremony, etc. We know of children that have decided NOT to attend, or attend without having to participate. And..we know of children that want to be involved.

If stepcouples can look at this through their children's eyes they may realize that this is another loss for them. Their family has blown apart and they are living between two worlds. The stepcouple is in love and thinking this marriage will bring everyone together. This is an unrealistic expectation. Over time, good things can happen - but that's over TIME!

Basically, do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. In the end, all will benefit.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Custody issues / Step-in laws

I will be blogging Q&A from "stepfamily" events that we have spoken at. Hopefully, these will be helpful for you!

Question:
What have you learned about custody arrangements? What seems to be best for the kid’s stability during the school year?

Answer:
The key to any custody arrangement is:
    • the absence of conflict between the divorced couple
    • the access of each parent to the child
    • keeping the child as stable and secure as possible
Given the trauma that surrounds divorce and/or death, the above is not easy. Plus, given the possible involvement of the legal system, problems are compounded.
It brings to the front the need for maturity, commitment to the child and most of all, good communication and conflict resolutions SKILLS. Children don’t get divorced – just the adults. The child is still dependent on the parents and impacted by their actions and attitudes (particularly toward each other).
Question:
How do you deal with rejection from the step-in laws step-kids?

Answer:
The sense of rejection means we have expectations that weren’t met – or a condition that wasn’t satisfied. It’s called “love with a hook in it.” Many times we expect reciprocity or immediate gratification from our efforts as we move toward our step-relatives. However, these are “baby” relationships (new). These take time to develop. If we are trying, with our best intentions, to reach out, join and/or incorporate into the new step-system, we may be setting ourselves up for rejection or getting ignored. Others may not be ready to include us at the level we want to be included. Again, all of this takes time.

It is always more productive to take action that is right thing to do and release our expectations of the other parties involved. This requires maturity, relational SKILLS, and stepfamily education. Knowing what is normal frees us up to accept the territory we are in.

MORE TO COME..... 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bedrooms / Gifts

More Stepparenting Questions:

Question:
How do you handle a living situation when your step-children are only at your home every other weekend or 4 days a month? We have one child together and my spouse believes his biological children should still have their own rooms even though they are only being occupied 4 days a month. Therefore, taking away from space that can be used for other purposes for those of us who live in the home full time. This also creates a financial burden of having a larger home in order to give the children their own separate rooms.

Answer:
There is a lot of information missing here. But “Children First” is the principle we can easily ignore. We remarry knowing our new spouse had children and yet ignore the package that comes with them. Get creative! I believe that the children should feel welcomed but the room doesn’t have to be totally dedicated to them. When they are in your home the room is “theirs” and should be referred to as such. Appropriate privacy is important for them. When they leave the room can be used for multiple purposes. The attitude of the bio and stepparent is crucial. Trundle beds, folding beds, etc., are examples of being flexible. Most important: the children are already wondering where they belong and are the ones living between two worlds.

Question:
My husband buys birthday and Christmas gifts for his kids but always says he doesn’t have money when it comes to my kids. How do I address this?

Answer:
Finances are the #2 problem in stepfamilies that leads to re-divorce. The first question is; do you have a financial plan that you put together? And, does it address how money will be spent on the kids? It is normal to be more invested in our bio-children. Bonding with stepchildren can take years, so unrealistic expectations up front can get in the way of step-relationship development.

Another aspect is exploring attitudes toward money. Finances can be the “playground” for power and control issues. Searching one’s own heart is important to see if I’m contributing anything to this struggle – or what part of the problem am I? Finally, it is the bio-parent’s responsibility to see that the needs of their own children are met – at whatever level.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Speaking Events / Upcoming Remarriage Prep Workshop

Just had two successful speaking events in Santa Ana, CA.
A Women's Event on May 12th - "Slices of Life." (Defining my past, Discovery me, and Designing my future.
Also, on May 19th -"Communication Collisions" (an interactive and very fun temperament identification workshop.)
Thanks to all who attended and made the events great experiences.

Coming up in the Oklahoma City area: REMARRIAGE PREP
August 22 - October 3, 2012 (Wednesday - 7 Weeks)
Crossings Community Church
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Carri & Gordon speaking


"Remarriage: A Seminar for the Remarrying or Remarried Couple"
6:30 to 7:45 pm / Room to be announced
Crossings Community Church
14600 North Portland
Oklahoma City, OK 73134
405.755.2227
Registration Click here

Preparing and/or redesigning your relationship for success. Beat the odds and prevent re-divorce.

Few challenges in life are more difficult than bringing the pieces of broken families together. Past hurts, high hopes, pre-existing relationships, and different backgrounds can make this task incredibly tough.
This is a marriage where one or both bring one or more children of any age; whether or not they live with the married couple.

Knowing what to expect and what is “normal” for a stepfamily can reduce the pressure of unrealistic expectations. Understanding the territory and the skills required to negotiate the journey can facilitate the new family's development and promote lasting success.
Areas covered:
  • Psychological blind spots
  • The three top factors leading to re-divorce
  • Non-negotiables
  • Designing a relationship
  • Developing intimacy
  • Relationship development
  • Merging Finances and Possessions
  • Self and relationship identification through assessments
This workshop is for those with children in the following situations:
  • Single parents desiring to remarry in the future
  • Couples seriously dating
  • Engaged couples
  • Already remarried
  • Professionals working with the above population

Also coming very soon - more stepfamily Q&A.
www.cgtaylor.com

Thursday, March 15, 2012

New blog

Carri Taylor is married to Gordon Taylor. They began their stepfamily journey in 1986. Gordon's first marriage lasted 18 years, Carri's 13½ years. Gordon brought three sons to the marriage and Carri brought two daughters. All five of their children are now adults; they have ten grandchildren to date and were legal guardians of Carri's oldest granddaughter, who was born in 1990, and with them since birth.
Carri has guided hundreds of individuals, couples and corporate teams through the process of gaining insights and new awareness of self and others; while being given practical, ready-to-use and proven tools to enhance all of their relationships. After working with Carri, her clients are energized, motivated and equipped to meet life’s challenges in a new and more effective way.
As a public speaker, her expertise comes from her wealth of professional training and life experience. She illustrates insights with personal transparency.

Carri began producing, directing and editing award-winning documentaries since 1978. Carri was Vice President and Co-Owner of NEW LIBERTY ENTERPRISES, Inc., Burbank, CA, from 1979 to 1981. She served as President and sole-owner from 1981 to 1991. In 1986 she was the Co-founder and is the Executive Director of Opportunities Unlimited.

Current Productions:

“Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies: Bringing the Pieces to Peace.” Eight-part DVD Series (4 hours 24 minutes)
Practical information for the inevitable challenges of stepfamily life, for those in or involved with stepfamilies in a personal or professional capacity. Principle based with humor, memorable charts and diagrams, couple interviews and anecdotal stories. www.DesigningDynamicStepfamilies.com.

“Remarriage Preparation” PowerPoint presentation on CD with Instructions for Use.
The content in this presentation is specifically designed for remarrying couples and is integrated with the “Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies” DVD Series. This is a one-of-a-kind tool for conducting Remarriage Preparation. Adaptable Format. www.DesigningDynamicStepfamilies.com.

“Children of Divorce: The Tough Truth.” Seven-part DVD Series (1 hour 40 minutes)
It's an in-depth look at their families and the multi-generational impact of divorce,
remarriage, and stepfamily life. It's also about the transformation from brokenness to healing – bringing the pieces to peace. www.ChildrensToughTruth.com.

“Life After Abortion.” Two DVD Set released by Carri and her partner, Brian Barkley.
Countless women have been overwhelmed by post abortion trauma, resulting in fear, anxiety, pain and guilt. Many suffer in silence for years after they realize the full toll of their choice. From desperation to devastation to deliverance, Life After Abortion takes an honest look at the undeniable impact abortion has had on real people, as told by those who experienced them. www.cgtaylor.com
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Please click Communication Skills Training or Personal/Executive Coaching for more information. Or visit www.cgtaylor.com.

About Me

Carri is a documentary film producer and communication skills trainer. She and her husband speak nationally on relationships, communication and stepfamily development.